Welcome to Finding-Your-Voice.com

By W2W Psychologists Group

Helping women challenge the messages of men, myths, and the media

Contact Us info@finding-your-voice.com

We describe a three-step process, what we call:

Although we talk about "steps," these are in no way discrete phases, carved in stone, with one opening up before you only after the previous one has been completed. You will go back and forth, in and out.

   When describing Finding Your Voice to friends and colleagues, we’ve been saying, “It’s a book to help women find their own voices instead of listening to lots of others.” And people instantly get it; they understand what we mean. What are those other voices and where are they coming from? Listen to the following randomly gathered comments from some famous and not-so famous women.

In her address to a college graduating class, the author and columnist Anna Quindlen said, “When I quit the New York Times to be a full-time mother, the voices of the world said I was nuts. When I quit it again to be a full-time novelist, they said I was nuts again.”

In a newspaper interview, the actress Jane Fonda, newly divorced from her third husband, said, “Before each of my marriages, I had this feeling in my stomach that something wasn’t right, and I ignored it. I always thought, I’ll fix it. It’s what happens when you lose touch with your own voice.”

Flipping through a magazine, our friend Chloe came across a photo of a well-known political activist, a woman much in the news for many years. Chloe said, “My first thought was, God, she’s really looking old! And sometime later, my second, third, and fourth thoughts were something like this: Actually, what she looks like is a woman of her age. What she looks like is a woman who hasn’t had plastic surgery and isn’t getting Botoxed every three months. And that translated into a look that said old in my head.”

Our Episcopalian friend Ellie said she thought she’d attend church one Sunday morning, and then decided to skip the service after seeing that the sermon would be delivered by one of the associate ministers, a woman. “I’m embarrassed to admit this,” said Ellie, “and I have no idea where it comes from, but I don’t like to listen to a female minister, especially one who speaks English with an accent. Although I’ve heard some women give terrific sermons and some men give deadly dull sermons, it’s just some little voice that tells me women aren’t supposed to be ministers. Go figure.”

There they are, some of them. The voices of the world—of myths, men, media, friends, and enemies, all the great “they” out there—are constantly buzzing in our brains, advising us of how our lives “should” be proceeding. Ms. Quindlen, Ms. Fonda, Chloe, and Ellie recognized them clearly, with feelings that might be described as insightful but rueful self-annoyance. The voices, however, are not always so easy to spot. Indeed, many of our feelings, reactions, and decisions are more externally controlled than we would ever dream.

As you read through the chapters to come and perhaps zero in on some problem areas in your own life and what our case histories have to suggest, you’ll see that some voice mapping is obvious. Who-is-doing-the-talking will jump right out and hit you between the eyes. Other “shoulds” are more difficult to discern, because the messages are at once pervasive but diffuse and subtle. (Who told us a middle-aged man looks like a middle-aged man and a middle-aged woman looks old? Who told us ministers aren’t supposed to be women?)

First, you will do your due diligence on whatever issue it is you’re working on or bothered about. Ask: What’s directing me here? What are the messages that have me doing what I’m doing about all this (dating, money, jobs, parenting)?

There may be more than one; indeed, you may become aware of a muted cacophony of voices, some of them conflicting, that have been propelling you along (an old family role as “the smart one,” with a sister who was “the pretty one”? A husband too much or too little like your father? Magazine images of gorgeous women that leave you discouraged and dispirited?). Make some notes, if that seems useful; write down the voices and messages, so they’re not just passing through your brain, and so you can return to look them over and give them some thought. Keep in mind that your voice mapping may reveal messages to you that are different from those influencing the women we use as examples. It’s important to hear your own realities and recognize their sources.

The fact is, once you start thinking about it and asking the right questions, you may discover an astonishing number of “shoulds” in your life—how you should act in a relationship, what job you should have, whether you should have a job at all, how you should handle your money, how you should look. The trick is figuring out where the “shoulds” are coming from. Who or what is conveying them to you? The answer will be different for different women. This is what voice mapping is all about.

Are those voices all wrong, misguided, irrelevant, or unimportant? Do you turn them off once and for all? Certainly not. Obviously, what your love partner, your parent, your boss, or your child wants or needs from you or of you must be something of a critical factor in the decisions you make. But in order to feel genuinely in control of those life issues over which it is appropriate for you to be in control, in order to reason and then act your way into paths that are right for you, you must figure out who is saying what. That, simply, is what we mean by voice mapping—recognizing your current self-talk and where it’s coming from, separating out the “they” from the “me.” What do I think and want?

Once you have voice-mapped, identified where you learned what you learned regarding a particular issue, cleared away some of the cobwebs, and come to where you think your still, small voice is speaking up, you’re ready for the next step.

   Reframing is a period of transition, exploration—basically, what we call in therapy the “working through.” You will take a step to the side and tune out some of the voices that have always been there, the better to hear your own. Watch yourself, as best as you can. Toy with some fresh ideas. Envision new ways to deal with the same old stuff in your life. Come at a nagging issue from a slightly different perspective. The following is a metaphor that may be helpful.

Think of this as the fitting room phase. Your old clothes aren’t working for you anymore. Maybe your weight has changed and they’re too big or small, or too ethnic or stylized for the occasion, or they’re outdated, or they’re just not right for you at this time. And so after a little window shopping, looking around to see what else is out there, you choose a variety of different but appealing pieces. You bring them into the fitting room and try them on. You decide to stick with some and eliminate others.

In therapy, this is the point at which we suggest that our client look at alternative ways of thinking and acting, based on what we have learned about the messages that have been influencing her. We will ask, in effect: Have you ever considered the situation from this angle, or that one? What would happen if you take that step? What would happen if you do nothing at all? Who stands to lose and who stands to gain? How bad is this situation really? Why do you have to solve it? Who could help you with it?

These are some of the questions you will pose for yourself. Think of it as a self-debate, being your own devil’s advocate. The fact is, some of what you can achieve in the context of therapy you can learn to do by yourself—with careful listening, honest questioning, and the willingness to consider framing the past and the present in another way.

You will consider, Now that I think I know where that message came from, I wonder: Does it serve me, does it reflect who I really am? Have I ever challenged it?

Perhaps you will find it helpful to turn the approach around, as we frequently do when talking with our clients. It is so often easier to view options and choices from another’s perspective, especially for someone who habitually tends to come down hard on herself, or who might be said to have an unusually harsh conscience. (And in our experience, that’s the average woman. She’ll let other people get away with much more than she allows herself to get away with, partly because of the expectation that a woman should be all things for all people, all the time—one of the voices we’ve taken in.) So we might ask our client, “If your daughter or your best friend were having that problem, what would you tell her?” And she’ll reply, “Oh, I’d probably say, don’t worry honey, it’ll work out fine for you. Just . . .” to which we might respond, “Okay. You have that voice in you. You just don’t have it for yourself. Try to find it.”

Reframing, trying out a different mindset or another angle, is an active process. Some of the process will be quiet reflection, internal musings that no one else sees or needs to know about. On the other hand, it may include reaching out to others in a new way—maybe calling the sister you haven’t talked to in a year and suggesting lunch; maybe saying no when you’ve always said yes; maybe not taking the bait when a friend tries to bully you into doing something you don’t want to do. The reframing period may involve spending less time at one pursuit and more time at another.

   Begin thinking in a different way; stop operating by rote, doing the things you’ve always done because that’s what you think you “should” be doing. Which doesn’t mean not responding to the others in your life. Tuning in to the voice that is “the real me” is anything but subscribing to the popular image that defined the so-called “me generation.” Rather, you learn how to deal simultaneously and satisfactorily with the self and with others.

There’s risk involved. With the old way, you can be pretty sure how something’s going to play out; even if the old way is not necessarily getting you anywhere, there’s ease in the familiar. Try something new and different, on the other hand, and you may experience equal measures of exhilaration and anxiety. New behaviors are often awkward and uncomfortable in the beginning. Deciding to take another approach to some aspect of life doesn’t mean all the pieces will fall into place. With practice, however, new strategies flow more easily.

And then, of course, if your dilemmas are intrinsically involved with other people, your movement strategies will be complicated by interlocking relationships. Psychologists use the analogy of the dance to refer to the interplay between two (or among more than two) individuals: When one partner changes the steps, so must the other—and not necessarily to his or her pleasure.

There’s something else to consider as well: The society we live in still holds women in a bind. For example, we’ve learned over the past several decades that women can be taught to be more assertive, trained in the skills needed to be effective in Fortune 500 companies. And, listening to our clients’ experiences, we then learned that so often a woman is slapped down for behaving in just those ways. The assertive woman is still viewed as pushy; the glass ceiling still exists. The point is, when you begin to adopt new behaviors you may not necessarily or immediately hit a system of rewards from the world. The receptivity may not be there. In some of the scenarios that follow, we hope to explore movement strategies that help you reach for new achievements and avoid being harmed for moving forward. We do know this: You will feel more powerful and empowered because you have some control over your responses. You will feel good about your ability to make whatever choice you make, as difficult as that choice may be.

In working out the processes of voice mapping, reframing, and new movement strategies, allow for revision and adjustment. If it doesn’t work or you’re not satisfied, it’s time to ask:

Don’t think that you must be 100 percent committed to a particular decision you reached, or that if you revert back to some old feelings your decision was therefore misguided, the whole business was an exercise in futility, and you’re a washout as a human being.

Finding

Your voice...

A Woman's Guide to Using Self Talk For Fulfilling Relationships, Work, and Life.